Blow it Up!

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 30, 2019)

As Tee Smith said yesterday, I have to give M credit. Not only did he buy the cereal Sunday night (the Frosted Krispies), he actually took them back to the store and got Rice Krispies yesterday. Yay!

I wasn’t going to tell “the rest of the story” of Monday, but I’m trying to convey an honest story about living with dementia and how this disease is changing my life, my husband’s life and our marriage. So, here we go.

Yesterday, M had the day off work because he had worked Saturday. The plan was for him to get the boards from a section of fence we had torn down last fall out of the back yard and take it all to the dump. It was a tedious process, because all the worn-out, broken fencing wouldn’t fit on the trailer in one load, so it was going to take multiple trips. He and I had filled the trailer over the weekend so he could go first thing Monday morning.

When I got home yesterday, the trailer was gone (our older son uses it for his lawn service business and needed it by 8 am Tuesday) and M was watching TV. So, I looked out the window into the back yard and said “Is it all done?”

Wow. Big mistake.

He blew up.

“No, it’s not all done! Do you know how much wood is out there? Do you know how many trips I had to make, up and down the driveway? Blah, blah, blah” (He didn’t really say blah, blah, blah – I’m paraphrasing.)

I’m sure I was the picture of patience and decorum (I wasn’t) and went upstairs to change my clothes. I could hear him in the back yard – he had marched out the back door and had started sorting all the fencing into manageable piles for the next time we can get the trailer. Now, why he wasn’t doing that before I got home, I don’t know.

I got the harnesses on the dogs and took them for a walk.

When I got back, I saw that there were about 20 golf clubs lined up in the garage against the wall in front of where I park my car. I guess I didn’t see them when I got home. We have all sorts of golf clubs around, so I’m sure they belong to us. I just don’t know why they are there and when there was time to do that during the day. Actually, I think I do know the answer to that last one.

While I was out walking, I saw that a neighbor had put out some plants to give away, so when I got back home, I got in the car to go collect the plants (free perennials!!) Then I spent the rest of the evening planting them in the back yard. M was in the house – taking a shower, I think. Or watching TV. Take your pick.

When I came inside, we watched the Braves on TV for a while, then he went to bed – all without saying a word. I sat there and thought “Unpleasant people should be able to get themselves up in the morning” and thought long and hard about NOT setting my alarm for 5 am, but I knew I couldn’t do that.

Here’s what was so frustrating about yesterday – besides M and his short fuse. Before . . . before this disease started taking its toll, M would have worked like a man possessed to get that fencing taken care of yesterday. Nothing would have stopped him from accomplishing that goal.

Now, he’s complaining about the number of steps it takes, going up and down the driveway (he didn’t pull the trailer up the drive or ask a neighbor for help with that – even though we willingly help the neighbors, when asked!) and how heavy the wood is and how many boards there are. This just isn’t like him!

So this morning, the alarm goes off at 5 am and he jumps out of bed LIKE NOTHING IS WRONG!! He’s all over the fit he had yesterday and has no idea why I’m not happy with him.

One part of me wants to smack the ever-loving daylights out of him.

One part of me wants to laugh at the absurdity of the entire situation.

One part of me wants to throw up my hands in surrender.

One part of me wants to run far, far away and change my name.

But every part of me knows that I will go home tonight, put a smile on my face and go on. Why not? There’s no point in holding a grudge and trying to effect some sort of change in behavior. There isn’t going to be any change. Or not a change for the better, at least. There are going to continue to be changes. Changes I don’t like and am not ready for.

I hear myself sighing a lot lately. That can’t be a good sign.