What Do You Know?

I know.

I know. Intellectually, I know what’s going on with my husband and I understand that it’s not going to get better. I truly do understand that.

But good days and good moments fool me. They make me believe – and hope – for things I know aren’t true. And can’t ever be true.

Plus, as I believe I’ve mentioned, I have no patience. None. If I think you can do something for yourself, then I expect you to do it for yourself. We have an equal opportunity household around here.

All this to say – I’ve been struggling. Dealing with M lately has been a challenge and I’m ashamed to admit, I have not been at my best.

Over the weekend, I started getting a cold. Nothing major, but I really didn’t feel well on Sunday and wanted to hang out in my pajamas all day and feel sorry for myself. M was good with hanging out all day, but he had just one question for me:

“How are you feeling?”

“Are you feeling any better?”

“How are you feeling now?”
Are you feeling better?”
How are you feeling?”

ALL. DAY. LONG.

All day long. I think I was running a fever Monday morning and probably should have stayed home, but I couldn’t wait to get in the car and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! If I was asked, one more time, how I was feeling, I was going to scream!

And I know he does it, only because he cares. And because he’s very focused on me. And how I’m feeling – ha! I’m grateful to have someone in my life that cares – not everyone does. I just wish that care and concern could translate into action.

When I asked him to get me some Ibuprofen, he didn’t know where we kept it. Then he brought me a handful of pills, plus the entire bottle.

When I asked him to get me a drink out of the garage refrigerator, he was gone so long, I began to get worried about him. He finally came back with one of the mini Cokes I keep on hand for migraines. Which was nice, of course, but it didn’t last very long.

And I think he’s starting to realize that he really does have a problem. I wrote down the “recipe” for his morning smoothie, so he could start gathering the ingredients together as I’m getting ready for work in the morning. It’s really easy, so I thought he would be able to put it together himself.

This morning, he was standing at the kitchen counter, looking at the bag of blueberries and the blender, but unsure what to do next. It scared him. And upset him.

I hugged him and tried to make a joke of it – told him this was part of his master plan to make sure I was the one making the smoothies every day. But he was really down. And it breaks my heart to know there’s nothing I can do about it.

So we add this to the list of things I know.

I know.