This morning, I got to play “guess the word or phrase” with M before I left for work. It’s a fun and exciting game, where he’s thinking of something he wants to tell me, but can’t get it out, and wants me to guess.
He started off with “When I go to . . . “ and that was my only clue. Then, he looked at me expectantly and I knew the game was on.
So, I said, “the bathroom.”
He said “No.” and then he laughed about that. Then he gave me the phrase again. “When I go to . . .”
So, I ran through the list of possibilities – where could he go during the day?
“the backyard”
“the den”
“the park”
“take a nap”
Each guess was met with “no” and a laugh, but we weren’t getting any closer to what he wanted to say. Finally, he got his wallet and pulled out his gas card. “I use this . . .” he said.
Ah ha! “Do you need to put gas in your car?” Ding, ding, ding!! Ladies and gentlemen – we have a winner. Since it’s necessary to punch in your zip code in order to use the gas card, I asked him to wait until I get home and we’ll go together to get gas.
Yesterday, there were 10 plants that needed to be put out around the yard, so I set them all out where I wanted them to go, except for four that were going around the mailbox. Those four were sitting on a plastic flat for him to carry to the mailbox. During the morning, he called me twice to ask me questions about where the plants were to go, and after the second call, I told him to wait until I got home and we’d look at it together – again.
When I got home, he had put three plants around the mailbox – and that was it. The ones that were sitting exactly where they were going to be planted, were still sitting right there.
Dementia is a strange and terrible disease.
My husband, father and I live together. They both have Alzheimer’s, I am the only caregiver. Do you think Mike should be driving? Have you ridden with him lately, are his judgment, reaction time, turn signal usage appropriate? Do you think it’s OK to leave him alone at home? Would he know what to do if there was a fire? Would he turn on a stove burner and put something inappropriate on it? Might he put something metal in the microwave? If he answers the phone would he buy something from a telemarketer? Would he wander off? What would he do if he fell? As a caregiver, former nurse manager of an Alzheimer’s unit in a long term care facility, these things concern me. Not trying to be Debby Downer, but these are things to think about. Thanks for reading
Hi Sara!
You bring up some excellent points – some I’ve thought about and some that hadn’t crossed my mind. Fortunately, we remodeled the kitchen a couple of years ago and the appliances are so new, he doesn’t know how to turn them on. Even the microwave. I’ve been frustrated by that, but now I think I’m grateful for it. We have caller ID, and he doesn’t answer the phone unless it’s me or one of the boys. I do think my next chore is to cancel his debit card and just let him have some cash. That will be enough.
The driving is going to be the hardest part to stop. I won’t ride in the car with him driving but he won’t hear that he’s not able to drive. The caregiver study that I’ve just enrolled in says they will help take his keys away and they will be the ones being the “bad guy” so I don’t have to be. What makes it worse is, I have two parents that are nearly 80 and I need to stop them from driving, too.
None of this is easy and certainly never where I thought I would be at this stage of my life. Thanks for reaching out – hugs and prayers to you and all you’re going through.
You know, I would hide the keys or otherwise disable the car. I think it’s time. Sorry.
As for the parents, my brothers took my mother’s keys away about 10 years ago and she has yet to forgive me. [ Yes, you read that correctly; most things are my fault.] I think you should move your brothers to do the dirty work with the parents.
I’d definitely disable the credit card and leave him a little cash even if he can’t go anywhere. Remove the knobs from the stove and maybe install a GFCI on the microwave that you can trip before you go to work. But eventually, you will either need to stay home or hire help while you are at work. That’s the hard reality.
I know you’re right – I’m just not ready to be there yet. Sigh. It’s not going to get easier, is it?
Wow – your mom!! SMH . . . she’s a nutter! I’m definitely staying out of this with my folks. My middle brother seems to be the one in the best position to handle it and he walks a tight rope with them. These are tough issues to handle.
I’m going to take my husband over to my dad’s and let the two of them take care of each other during the day. Or I can bring my mom in, too, and get a caregiver for all three of them. Aye yi yi!
Congregating them is not a bad idea. When I lived in Phoenix, people would take their family members with dementia and drop them off at the public libraries for the day. It got to the point where you couldn’t take your kids to the library without being right there with them every second. It’s a rock and a hard place no doubt.