There Are No Prizes for This Contest

When does success in care-taking turn into failure? Believe me, it doesn’t take much.

We had a classic example of it Saturday morning. M and I (still) were trying to get our downstairs back together again (if you’re starting to think this is the job that never ends, trust me – I’ve been feeling that way for a LOOOONG time now!!) and we realized we needed a few items from the local hardware store.

No problem – jump in the car and run to the store.

While we were in there, M said something to me about the work I wanted to do on the back door. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was sure I could figure it out. I’ve done it so many times before. I just need a few more clues.

What thing on the back door?

You know, the thing we talked about.

When I said I didn’t know what he was talking about, he got a disgusted look on his face and said “Never mind,” in a huff.

Well. You might as well have waved a red flag in front of a bull. I was bound and determined to figure this out. Whatever “thing” we had talked about doing to the back door . . . I was going to get to the bottom of it.

We went around and around (and around and around) about it. Basically covering the same ground over and over again.

Me: What thing on the back door?

M: You know, the thing we talked about.

Me: I don’t remember us talking about the back door.

M: (disgusted) Never mind.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I was DONE!! We bought the items we had come into the store for (at least the ones I knew about) and then headed home – both of us frustrated and annoyed.

When we got home and with the back door directly in front of us, I asked M to show me WHAT we had “talked about” for the door.

M: No, not THAT door! The door over there . . .

. . . And he pointed to the side gate of the fence that goes around our backyard.

Me: Are you talking about the side gate of the fence?

M: Yes!

You’ll be happy to know that I DIDN’T kill him – as much as I wanted to. I DID, however, point out that the gate that allows us to go through the fence and come into the backyard is NOT the back door.

Also, there’s nothing I wanted to do to the gate for which I needed supplies from the hardware store.

But here’s what I learned – and I only know this because I talked to my counselor and one of my brothers over the weekend.

I don’t get paid extra when I’m able to discern what M is talking about, based on one or two clues. There are no prizes given away, no one is coming in with a blue ribbon to reward me for figuring out what it is he’s trying to tell me.

If, after the first time he mentioned the back door, I didn’t understand what he was saying, all I had to say was “no, we’re not going to work on that today.” Or something along those lines. I didn’t have to keep going back to it, insisting I was going to get to the bottom of it.

His stress would have been less, my stress would have been MUCH less and we would both have had a much better day. Since I know our days together are limited (and really, everyone’s days are limited, although we like to behave as though they aren’t) isn’t it better to make sure that we have as many good ones as we can?

That’s my new goal. Trying to make sure every day is the best it can be. I’m not always going to be successful – there’s no way I can be. But I’m going to try. And NOT adding to his stress is a good place to start.