I worry that being at home by himself during the week isn’t good for M. But there’s something about Sunday that really seems to upset him and I don’t know what it is.
For the last three Sundays, he’s gotten very worried and upset that we’re going to be forced to leave our house, that “they” are going to come and tell us that we have to leave. I don’t know what’s causing it or what makes him think it – and I can’t seem to come up with the words or actions to make him feel better.
During the week, I noticed that the mail seemed to upset and obsess him. Even after I had gone through the mail and gotten rid of the junk mail, he would pick up one statement or bill over and over again until I finally had to hide it from him. I talked to a friend of mine about this, who dealt with similar issues with her mother-in-law, and she recommended a post office box. That way, I can get the mail on my time, hide it from him and prevent M from signing up for something or “putting away” an important piece of mail I need to have.
What a great idea! I took care of that Saturday morning.
M and I walked the dogs on Sunday and, once again, the leashes were all tangled before we could set out. I said, out loud, that I didn’t know how this happens (although I do) and M said that I was the one who had done it. I just looked at him. He said, “it had to be you because I know it wasn’t me.” Well, of course – if you’re going to use that kind of logic.
As we were walking, M also came up with the bright idea of asking his brother to help him get a car. I just let that statement go by without comment. About a year ago, M’s neurologist told us that he could have an assessment done by an occupational therapist at their office to determine his competency for driving. M wasn’t interested in finding out anything like that last year, but I might tell him that – if he can pass the test at the doctor’s office, then and only then, will we discuss getting him a car. There’s no way he’ll pass and then I’m not the bad guy.
But as many good things as we did over the weekend, it didn’t stop the angst from setting in as he started to worry about what “they” were going to do about making us leave our house. I don’t know where it comes from or what sets it off, but I wish I could find a way to ease his mind.
This disease is one long series of puzzles. I know we are still at the “easy stage”. I can still leave the house for a couple of hours. He’s not wandering yet, he sleeps at night, he hasn’t developed those fears you speak of, and still it all defies logic or explanation. Your friend’s idea of a mailbox was excellent. We moved last August and I am doing the taxes completely by myself this year. I’ve had to do a little more each year for the last 3 years. I went down to the storage room to the file cabinet to get the paperwork to add up the capital improvements we have made to the house which are more than considerable. Every file folder for every addition, stone walks and patios, rooms of real hardwood tongue in groove flooring, rooms of tile, large sunroom, art studio, etc. were empty except for one very organized and stapled stack of papers for some inexpensive laminate flooring for a little little used room. Not a scrap of anything else. I have nothing to document our expenses without going back through 25 years of bank statements and credit card records. He had cleaned out the filing cabinets and since we were selling the house we didn’t need any of that stuff anymore. I am ready to just drop the few bits of papers I have been able to collect at the accountant’s and say that I don’t care how much we pay. To continue to scrounge and scrape our hollowed out records is too painful. I have nothing to give him for deductions. Taxes are going to rip through our budget this year. Not to make it “my” story now. I’m just with ya, kid. You’re doing a great job. The ground just keeps crumbling under our feet.
Oh – I’m so sorry about the tax situation. Sometimes it feels as though we’re beating our heads against a brick wall – for no reason. When M and I went to the bloodmobile and I watched him struggle to give his birthdate and tried to help him, my blood pressure ended up being 160/110. It’s a wonder I didn’t have a stroke, trying to “help” everyone. (I may have already told this story. Starting to worry about my own memory . . . ) I didn’t at all feel like you were making anything “your” story – I’m just so glad to know I’m not alone and glad you’re here.
I usually respond with something like “We are all paid up on the bills, there’s no reason for us to leave. You can’t be evicted when nothing is past due.” The paranoia seems to arise from dementia distorting the sense of time. Since the person is unable to recall the last time they paid bill x they are worried that things are past due. I frequently put a monthly calendar in clients homes and put “Bills Paid” with a large checkbox and a colorful check in the box on the first day of the month. This way if they get upset or worried about something related to money I just show them the calendar and say “we paid them all.” It might help, I don’t know.
The calendar is a great idea. I told M that, if I don’t pay anything else, I ALWAYS make sure the mortgage is paid, so he has nothing to worry about, but paranoia knows no bounds. All I can do is hold him and hope he will feel safe. Thank you for being here!
We are dealing with dementia here with my mother in law. Only she won’t accept it and lives by herself. I found out though the DMV, we live in CA so it may be different where you are, but we found out there is a form you can fill out that will have the DMV reassess their drivers license. We filled one out on her, there is a place to mark if you don’t want them knowing it was you that sent it in. They will make them get a doc note saying they can or cannot drive and/or make them take the driving test again. If they say no, they get their license suspended automatically. The DMV lady told me, if you can call the doctor separately, they can send something in to the DMV immediately to suspend the license and you wouldn’t have to fill out the paper work.
My MIL doesn’t believe in doctors so she doesn’t have one we can turn to, but if the DMV makes her, this will be perfect. We’ve found damage on her car and she has no clue how it got there.
Maybe if he got something in the mail from the DMV, it would make it easier on you as you wouldn’t be the bad guy.
Just a thought.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, too. And your m-i-l makes it tough. That’s not always an easy relationship as it is. I asked at DMV when I got my license renewed, but in my state there isn’t anything they will do. And they’ve pushed out the number of years between license renewals so that his is good for another five years or so. He thinks he’s going to ask his brother to get him a car this weekend. I can’t wait to see how that conversation goes. Thank you for being here. It helps to know I’m not alone.