Today is the day – the day of M’s latest doctor’s appointment with his neurologist . . . he’s the doctor that M sees on the most regular basis and the one that seems most interested in handling the day-to-day issues that come up. And I’m going to be really honest today. I know there are times I have a tendency to smile and say that everything is “fine,” but today, I’m going to let him know. I want to leave there with medications for the constant scratching that M does all over his skin, the anxiety M has and (this one is new) the anger.
Yes, we hit the anger issue this weekend.
I had hoped we were one of the lucky ones that managed to avoid anger and rage because M seemed to be caught up in sadness and sentimentality. And we’ve been very lucky – until Sunday morning. We were watching TV and he asked me “where’s the girl?” I thought he was talking about one of the dogs, since they’re the only other girls in the house, so I said “which one, Aggie or Duchess?”
M: No, the girl that was upstairs.
Me: What girl that was upstairs? There was no girl upstairs. That was me.
M: That was you?
Me: Yes, I’m the only “girl” in this house. That was me.
He sat there for a few minutes, then he started shouting at me, “That’s terrible! That’s a terrible thing to do.”
He was so loud that our younger son (YS) who was back home for a visit (yes, again!) came flying out of bed and up the stairs to see what was going on. M was ranting on about what a terrible trick I was playing on him, banging on the walls and throwing things, so YS persuaded him to go outside and they went for a LONG walk.
They were gone for 30 minutes or more, and YS said M had calmed down completely, but the minute he got back in our driveway, he started right back up again. And when he came in the house and saw me, I moved back up the stairs and he said “yeah, you’d better get out of here.”
This is the first time I’ve ever been scared of M. And I really was.
But just as suddenly as he blew up, it seemed as though the switch flipped again and everything was back to normal. M didn’t seem to remember being so angry or upset – and I certainly wasn’t going to ask him about it.
Neither YS nor I could ever understand exactly what had made M so angry or upset to begin with, but it all seemed to revolve around “another girl” in the house and the idea that I was trying to trick him into believing she was me.
*******Follow-up – after M’s doctor’s appointment *******
Nothing.
As much as I advocated for medication and was clear about how frightened I was on Sunday, M’s doctor was more concerned about the side effects of any medication he might prescribe and declined to provide anything. He seemed to believe that being stuck inside over the winter was M’s biggest problem and “getting outside and enjoying the sunshine” would be a cure-all. If only.
I am beyond frustrated.
Time to look into either additional help or finding him a place. You absolutely cannot live in constant fear.
You’re right – and I’m working on both fronts. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to believe I need to be afraid of this man I’ve loved for so long. And then I have to remember, the man I’ve loved is gone. What is left is just a shadow – and I can be afraid of that.
I saw your FB post last week – sending you hugs!
My heart hurts for you. What trauma you must have felt. I watched my mother treated like this by my dad, who loved her dearly for 65 years. And then his brain was so broken he couldn’t love anymore.
I am sorry the anger has come. May it go away. I am still hoping we will make it through without the anger. Don’t let up on that doctor until he responds to you. And if it happens again really don’t let up on that doctor. Your safety is essential and this disease is cruel.
My best to you.
Thank you – I really can’t believe we got to this stage. I had really hoped we were going to be able to avoid it.
I hope you got the text I sent with 2 photos!
Yes, I did get that – thank you so much! I’m going to ask the doctor about that, too!