One of the challenges of being a dementia caretaker (as if every day weren’t challenge enough) is that you don’t know when the switch is going to flip or what it will take to make it happen.
Yesterday, M and I went to the laundromat to wash a bedspread that was too big for our washer and dryer. The morning had been normal and peaceful and he seemed as on task and “with it” as he ever is. We had just gotten the washing machine going when he turned to me and asked, “Oh my gosh, when did YOU get here?”
He went on to tell me about the other girl that has been at the house, telling him what to do, and he knew she wasn’t supposed to be there but he didn’t know what to do about her.
Of course, the “other girl” is me.
I didn’t say anything about who the other girl is. He was SO GLAD to see me that I went along with him and told him that it was fine that he was listening to someone else about when to get dressed and when to go to bed. There’s so much about this disease that you have to decide or make up on the fly. And you hope you’re making the right decision.
Our younger son (YS) has been at the house for a week and was supposed to go back to Alabama on Saturday. But he’s seen how his dad is doing and he’s been really concerned about the whole situation, so he made arrangements with his job and has stayed an additional week. I never realized how helpful it is to have another person there until he’s there 24/7.
YS takes his dad out for a walk every day and makes sure M is doing helpful things around the house, like running the vacuum or mowing the grass. Even though M can’t really do a great job at these tasks, at least he’s doing something besides sitting in front of the television for nine hours while I’m at work.
I can’t tell you what a difference it has made – having another adult in the house to take the pressure off me. I hate that I’m depending on YS like this – he shouldn’t have to sacrifice his life or his vacation time to care for his father or me. But having that full-time help, and someone in the house to see what is going on, has almost been like a vacation.
I can only imagine how nice it must be to have your younger son home to help out, especially because you are still working.
Regarding making it up on the fly–the dementia practice we go to has us keep 4 questions in mind to help guide us: Is he safe? Is he calm? Is he clean (dignified)? Is he loved?
That “going with it” takes some practice. Our older son was just here for 2 days (first time we have seen him since pandemic shutdown over a year ago) and he finally started getting with the going with it instead of correcting his dad. It takes practice.
Thanks for posting.
The “going with it” is a hard lesson to learn. It’s always a work in progress.
I love those four questions – those are great ones to keep in mind, particularly when I feel as though I am failing on every level.