Whatever It Takes

It’s been WAY too long since I’ve checked in here. Why is it, when I’m not working a full-time job and I don’t have 24/7 responsibility (in my home) for a dementia patient, I’m more stressed and overwhelmed on a daily basis than I was when I was trying to work and care for M every day?

Let’s take a look at yesterday, as an example.

Auntie Mame (AM) lives in a retirement community about 15 minutes from my house. I spent a couple of hours with her the day before, so I hadn’t planned to go visit yesterday because I had a lot to do around the house. My “to do” list had been getting longer by the minute . . . and then AM called about 4 pm to say that she wanted to come spend the night at my house that night.

Whoa. Back it up.

I didn’t want to come right out and say “no,” but no was definitely the answer. I have WAY too many steps at my house for her to try to navigate, she doesn’t like my dogs (although I don’t know how you can’t love those cutie pies!) and the only bed I have available for her would be a bunk bed. I can just see how that would go over! So, I spent a few minutes trying to get to a reason as to WHY she wanted to come spend the night.

AM hemmed and hawed about whatever event had happened, but eventually I gathered that someone at the retirement community had fallen that afternoon and she (AM) had attempted to help the fallen woman up. Another woman on the scene advised AM to not try to help the woman get up – which is good advice; we don’t need one elderly, infirm person trying to help another elderly, infirm person up off the floor. But . . . it seems the woman giving the advice did so rather LOUDLY.

To the point AM felt she had been shouted at. Yikes!

Okay! First order of business – soothe hurt feelings. When I got to AM’s apartment, she already had a bag packed, but I managed to get her in my car (without her overnight bag) and we went to her favorite pizza joint for a pepperoni pizza with tiny little square pepperonis on it. If you know, you know. That, and a big iced tea with lots of lemon went a long way to making her feel better.

And we talked about it. AM agreed that she was safer not trying to help the first woman get up off the floor – even though helping is her first thought and natural reaction. It wouldn’t be safe for either one of them if they both had ended up in a heap on the floor. And she also agreed that the second woman who had LOUDLY advised her not to help really had her best interest at heart, and that maybe she (AM) was just feeling embarrassed because it felt like she was being scolded.

After pizza, we took a drive by the house I’m having remodeled (the project that will NEVER END) for her to take a look at it. AM was tickled with all the changes to the house and happy with everything I had picked out. Which is funny . . . because when we were at a tile store several months ago, AM was with me when I picked out a tile to go around my fireplace. When I asked her if she liked it, she said “Oh no, I don’t like that at all.” I was so taken aback, I just laughed and said I didn’t care, it was my house and I loved it. When she saw it in the house, she loved it, too. Of course, she didn’t remember ever seeing it before.

When we got back in the car, I offered to take AM to ramble around the dollar store. Whatever it takes for her to feel better – and agree that she doesn’t need to spend the night at my house! By that time, she was ready to get back “home” and see her dog, so we headed back – to her place. When we got there, the very first person we saw was the woman who had shouted at AM earlier and upset her. I waved at her and acted as though I didn’t know anything had happened, and the woman asked AM how she was feeling. AM said, “Well, I’m okay,” as though okay were the best she could hope for. I told the woman, “Oh, she’s just had pizza for dinner, she’s doing great! Pizza makes everything better.”

I don’t know what exactly turned the tide, but by the time we walked to AM’s apartment, she had decided that she didn’t need to come home with me, after all. Whew!

Today, AM had a doctor’s appointment, so I picked her up and took her there. First thing, she started petitioning the doctor to tell us to give her her car back. I also know from my brothers that she has been demanding each of them “talk some sense” into me and see about getting her a car. Fortunately, the doctor backed us up and agreed she has no business behind the wheel of a car.

I kept my told-you-so look to myself.

The doctor went through all the standard dementia questions. AM could name our current president, but not any previous ones. She said she thought her mother died in her 40s (her mother died at 73) but she knew exactly how old her father was when he died. Her mother-in-law died 16 years ago but she asked me if the woman was still alive. So . . . not so good on the dementia test. But let me promise to bring her money and not follow through – she remembers THAT!

Once we were out of the doctor’s office, I thought I could take AM back home, but NO. She decided she wanted something to eat. But she couldn’t tell me where she wanted to go, she gave me directions. Fortunately, I was able to guess from the direction where we were headed. But when we got to the restaurant, she couldn’t remember what she liked to order there. Fortunately, a woman on the staff remembered her and knew what AM’s standard order was, so that was easy-ish.

So what I had hoped was going to be a quick visit to the doctor turned into an all afternoon adventure, including lunch. At least it didn’t turn into an over-nighter!