What is it, exactly, that I’m doing? I wanted to get it right, so I looked it up. Waver is one word. Dither is another. We could add vacillate, hesitate, waffle and shilly-shally, if you wanted to.
Yep, I’m changing my mind. Again. Yet again.
But I do have a reason for it . . . and it’s a really good one. I’ve been married to him for 36 years.
One of my brothers called me yesterday and we talked over the angst M went through during the weekend when he and I talked about the move and packing up/getting rid of our excess stuff. My brother pointed out that M and I could get into a new house and the stress of the move could cause M’s dementia symptoms to accelerate.
We could also be in a new place and one day he might not recognize that it’s home and forget that we moved. I would hate to be at work – 35 minutes away from him – and he’s having a panic attack because he doesn’t know where he is or why he’s there. I might be borrowing trouble, but with his diagnosis, these are real possibilities.
We know he’s very comfortable where he is right now – the house we’re in is his happy place. Unless there’s a pressing reason to move – and there isn’t – why don’t I take my time with the downsizing and fixing up the house. I can relax and get everything done at a less frantic pace without feeling as though I’m rushing through this.
Later, when M is no longer able to live at home (and sadly, we all know that day is coming) then I can make a decision about where I want to live. It may be I decide to stay where I am for a while or I may decide a condo or townhouse (no yardwork) will be a better fit.
What I don’t want to do is cause M anymore anxiety or stress than is absolutely necessary. Now that I realize how distressing the talk of a move is to him, I’ll stop talking about it all together.
And that’s another thing that’s incredibly difficult for me – it’s not as though I’ve never kept secrets from M. I’ve managed to hide birthday and Christmas surprises from him without a problem. And I’ve said things like “These shoes? I’ve had them forever. No, they’re not new.” with a straight face, so I can be less than completely honest.
But when it comes to big things – like selling our house and moving – I’m accustomed to talking it over with M. We’ve been a team. He’s been my partner, my sounding board. The one person I’ve always been able to count on to hear me out and give me good advice.
And now I see that I can’t do that. In this situation, it’s too painful for him.
Dementia has taken away one more thing. My teammate is here, but he can’t support me anymore. Now it’s my job to support him – and handle the rest of it myself.
Deep breath.
P.S. Don’t tell my brother he was right.
♥️
Good choice!
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! Moving is really tough and confusing for memory impaired persons so taking your time and delaying this is so,wise. And kind. Hugs my friend!
Bless you. I think you’re making the right decision. Keep him in his comfortable place as long as you can. What he recognizes is important right now. Unfortunately things will progress and you’ll be making more decisions as time marches on. Be good to yourself as well as your hubby. Maybe keep things calm and easy while he notices. ((Hugs)) and prayers for you my friend. ❤️
Advice from a random internet stranger – if you stay where you are, think about being proactive about lining up family help for the things that already feel overwhelming to you. The hardest time to ask for help is when you really need it. Figure out things you can assign to the people who say “let me know if there’s anything I can do” and ask them for help. Someone told me when you ask people for help you are giving them a gift. Because they really do wish there is something they could do.
I am so glad you’ve taken moving off your over-full plate. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep downsizing (because almost everyone in the US has too much stuff), but doing it in a more gradual way will take the pressure off both you and your husband.
I love that you say the home is his happy place. And I hate that you have lost the ability to talk things thru and make decisions WITH your husband and not FOR him.
Excellent decision! You can still declutter and minimize possessions, but keep M in his familiar surroundings. God bless you!
I can’t even right now…