“What are you doing to take care of YOU?”
If I’ve heard this question once, I’ve heard it five thousand times – from my counselor and everyone else who cares about me (which makes it even harder to duck and dodge), ever since we got M’s diagnosis. People with the best of intentions want to make sure I’m taking care of myself as well as being a caretaker to him.
After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I get it.
What no one seems to understand is that taking care of me, doing things for myself, means taking time away from M.
For instance, I signed up for a quilting class that met for the first time this past Tuesday night. I worked all day Tuesday, then drove directly from work to the class, which met from 6 pm until 9 pm, and then drove home. It was fun – I really enjoyed it and looked forward to going again next week.
Until I got home. M had been there all day, by himself. I left the house around 7:30 am and it was nearly 9:30 pm by the time I got home. He wasn’t upset, but I could tell he wasn’t at all happy that I had been gone for so long.
I’m his safety net . . . the one who buffers the world, which now seems scary, from him. I make sure he has everything he needs and help him find the TV shows and movies that he wants to see. For him to be away from “all that” (ha, ha) for that long was upsetting to him. And I think there’s a part of him that worries about being “permanently” alone, as if I’m never coming back. We’ve never talked about it, but I can tell sometimes he’s relieved when I come in the door.
Tonight, I had an opportunity to meet a friend for dinner at her house. I didn’t want to leave M alone again, so I asked Older Son if M could hang out with him for a while. OS picked M up and took him home where M spent time with our daughter-in-law and the grandkids. They had dinner and watched TV – it should have been a fun evening. But I wasn’t even out the door of my friend’s house before I got a text from OS saying “Dad’s ready to go home.”
Sigh.
I had hoped he would be happy visiting with OS and his family, but evidently he was agitating to go home. So now I have a dilemma. What do I do? Do I continue going to my class every Tuesday night and leave M at home by himself, knowing he’s unhappy?
Do I continue my visits with friends and try to find something for M to do at the same time, like a visit with OS and his family – even though he’s not happy doing that?
Or do I face the fact that this horrible disease has thrown YET ANOTHER monkey wrench into my best laid plans and withdraw from the quilting class and catch up with my friends on Saturday mornings?
I know there are bigger problems out there. There are probably bigger problems right under my nose. But right this minute, this one is taking up all available real estate.
Would he have been happier if someone, OS or a friend came to your house and hung out while you were away? You need to have a break.
That’s a great idea and one we’re going to try. My d-i-l and I talked about it over the weekend and I think it’s going to work out! Fingers crossed!!