Tough Decisions Ahead

Tough Decisions Ahead

First day at the new job!

I’m so excited to start the new job today. I don’t have to be there until 9:30 for orientation, but I made sure we were up and out of the house at the regular time (7 am) so that M could start his day normally and I could have a few minutes to myself before the day really begins.

So, now I’m sitting in a Panera, drinking a bottle of water and enjoying the peace and quiet.

It was a very strange weekend.

I didn’t sleep well Friday night – I don’t know what the problem was, but I couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Saturday afternoon, I was exhausted, so I snuck upstairs for a little nap. It was great and I felt really good when I woke up – except the left side of the middle of my back was KILLING me.

It hurt so much, especially to breathe, that I really started to worry. I know I tend to be a “worst case scenario” type of person anyway, but I REALLY went there this time. I truly could not breathe in a full breath because it hurt so bad, so I just knew . . . this was the beginning of the end.

One foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel – I was on the way out!

When my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2005 and subsequently died in 2006 – although she didn’t smoke – in the two or three years leading up to her diagnosis, she would frequently say that she was going home to lay down on her heating pad because her back hurt. Now, looking back, we realize her back hurt because she had a tumor growing in her lungs and we should have insisted that she go to the doctor. Then, we just thought she was in her 80s and if her back hurt, she deserved to be able to spend the afternoon on her heating pad if she wanted to.

Fast forward to Saturday, my back hurts so bad I can’t breathe, and you can imagine. In my mind, I’ve already been diagnosed with advanced cancer and it’s just a matter of time.

But here’s what is interesting . . .once I thought my days were numbered, it brought instant clarity to what I needed to do.

M was an absolute bear Saturday night. We had to go to the airport to pick up our younger son – he was supposed to fly to Los Angeles, but thunderstorms in the area kept his plane grounded. So we picked him up and took him to his brother’s house. When we walked back into our house, M immediately wanted to know WHY WE WERE IN THIS HOUSE because it wasn’t ours.

Yes, he didn’t recognize our house. The house we’ve lived in for 23 years.

I was in pain and scared for what I had built up in my mind that it could be – so I didn’t have time to deal with his paranoia. I told him it was our house . . .  and that was it. After MANY minutes of arguing about it, I finally asked him why he couldn’t just trust me. Just trust that I know what I’m talking about and that I wouldn’t bring him to the wrong place.

His answer: because I don’t like you.

Bahahahahaha! Now, THAT’S funny! YOU don’t like ME?!? Well, guess what, buddy?

I got him to bed, and as I was laying in my bed (on the heating pad) worried about myself and what the future was going to look like, I had my moment of clarity – my epiphany.

I don’t need to live like this.

I decided that, if I truly have a terminal disease, then I need to move M into a memory care facility ASAP, sell the house, retire from working and spend the rest of my time enjoying what time I have left with my grandchildren and travel.

Okay – I have a plan, now I can rest.

When I woke up Sunday, I looked up my symptoms online (a scary proposition) and read that you can hurt your back – pull a muscle or tendon by sleeping wrong. Kind of like a crick in your neck.

Are you kidding me?!?!

By mid-afternoon, my back was just fine and I could breathe with no problems. So, evidently, I had slept “wrong” and hurt my back that way. But I got to thinking . . .

If I knew EXACTLY how I wanted to spend the remainder of my time – when I thought I only had a limited amount of time – why should it be any different when I don’t know how much time I have left?

Let’s face it – I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. None of us knows when we’re checking out of here. We live as though we’re going to be here forever, but it’s not true. Why shouldn’t I start living the life I want to live . . right now?

Now, I’m not going to retire – I’m going to keep adding to my retirement savings instead of immediately start spending them, as was my plan. But the rest of it – selling the house, traveling, spending more time with the grands and getting M settled in a memory care facility?

I think it’s time to get moving on all of that.

M is getting harder and harder for me to handle every day. We do still have good days, but they are getting fewer and farther between. It’s getting to the point where his care is starting to affect my health.

It’s time to start making some tough decisions.