(Originally posted in Facebook on February 8, 2019)
I know I’ve been going down the “how did we get here” path, but I’m just feeling so incredibly frustrated today, I want to take brief detour into “I’ve got to vent about this” alley before I explode. Let me preface all this by saying I have no patience. None. I am the least patient person you will ever meet. When I was a teenager, I can remember my grandmother saying to me, “You are the most impatient person I know.” If you had to come up with a list of 100 words to describe me, patient would be NOWHERE on the list. I try . . . I really do. And I can hold it together for a while. But eventually, my true colors will come out, and my impatient side will win the day.
We live in NC and this week has been beautiful, with high temperatures in the 70s. The week before, when the Polar Vortex was in play, we had had temperatures in the teens, so 70s in February has been a treat. I’ve been trying to get M out every evening, after work, for a 2 – 3 mile walk. Tuesday night, he was agreeable, but when I suggested it Wednesday, he said “Walk? AGAIN?” as if I had suggested a colonoscopy for fun and excitement. Last night he was more agreeable, but as we started off, there was no talking. Every subject I introduced to start a conversation was met with one word answers. I told every story from work I could think of . . . nothing. And he wasn’t angry or upset – just not engaged. Finally, I said “you know, it’s okay if you talk to me. It’s allowed.” He laughed, as though I had said something funny, but never really got into the swing of walking and talking, the way we used to do. It made me so sad and frustrated to think that this is how my life is going to be now – just dragging along someone for a walk who doesn’t really want to be there.
Then this morning, he came in the kitchen as I was cooking his breakfast (trying to keep him following a keto eating plan!) and asked if I knew what the weather forecast was for the day. I said I didn’t, so he picked up his phone to look at the Weatherbug app. He looked at it for a moment, so I asked what the forecast for the day was.
M: Let’s see . . . it’s 61 now.
Me: uh huh
M: 61 at 10 o’clock
Me: mm hmm
M: 61 at 11
Me: is it going to be sunny or rainy?
M: 61 at noon
(that’s when I snapped)
Me: okay that’s great. Thank you very much.
M: I don’t know why you get so mad.
Me:
What can I say? All I wanted to know was whether or not it was going to rain today. I didn’t want an hour by hour assessment of the temperature. Honestly, I could feel the frustration run up the back of my neck as he was talking. I know – I know in my heart he’s doing the very best that he can. I really do. And if it were me going through this, how would I want to be treated?
I wish I had the answers. I wish I were more patient. I wish I had my funny, bright, husband who loved to talk to me back. That’s the one I really wish.