Last night was one of the best nights I’ve had for mental health and self-care in a long time – and it happened entirely by accident!
I was fixing something to eat and, while I was waiting for it to cook in the oven, I opened my Kindle and started reading the latest book I had downloaded from the library (who knew you could “borrow” library books on your Kindle?!? This is GREAT!!) It was a murder/suspense/mystery and it jumped right in with a plot twist and I was hooked.
I took my food and the Kindle downstairs to sit with M, but he was watching “Top Gun” for the 2849383749486th time, so I went back upstairs and made myself comfortable.
And had a great night!
It took me until 10:30 pm to get to the end and figure out who the bad guys were, but the book was really good and I had a great evening. M had fun watching his movie – again – so everyone was happy.
BTW – the book was “Cover of Snow” by Jenny Milchman. I highly recommend it!
I sat down yesterday and wrote an entire post about everything that M did that drove me crazy the rest of the weekend, but then I deleted it. As I read over it, it just sounded to me like “bitch, bitch, bitch.” All I was doing was complaining and sounded ungrateful – and that’s not how I want to live my life.
So, let’s start fresh today.
When I got home yesterday, M had a business card on the counter from his friend who works in HR at his company, so he had actually gone to talk to him yesterday afternoon!! Progress! Turns out, the friend didn’t know anything about the position that had opened up for M and that he had been promised the position. It’s a big company, so the fact that the friend is out of the loop isn’t concerning.
It did give M and me a chance to talk about it and I found out that the guy who is retiring and whose place M will be taking is still on the job – he hasn’t retired yet. Which means that the supervisor told M exactly what M wanted to hear and not the reality of the situation. Something this supervisor has done several times in the past. I don’t think this guy does it out of malice, but he seems to be one of those people who avoids tough or unpleasant conversations and says whatever it takes to get the person to go away. I told M he needed to be aware of this and be prepared to take everything this guy says with a grain of salt – because he’s only going to tell you what you want to hear.
On Sunday, the battery in my car died and M said he would replace it. I had a funeral to attend, so I took his car and left. When I came back, he was downstairs, watching TV and the hood of my car was up, battery still in place. When I asked about it, he said he was having a problem getting the battery out and didn’t know how he was going to do it.
Okay.
I let it go for a few minutes (long enough to change clothes) then I asked him what his “plan B” was. The next thing I know, he’s back in the garage, “trying again” and lo and behold, this time IT WORKED!! He was able to get the battery out and, $150 later, I have a new battery.
I have to say, this new work ethic, or lack thereof, is . . . well, new. The old M would work on something until it was done and then he would find something else to do. But now, unless I’m standing over him, he doesn’t hesitate to give up and jump in front of the TV.
I’d like to get one of those cameras where I can see him sit down to watch TV and then say, “Hey, what are you doing? Get up from there!” But I’d probably be laughing too hard, once he jumped up, to say anything.
Great weekend, busy weekend. Lots of opportunities for M and I to spend time together and for me to really see how he is doing.
When I got home from work Friday, we had a notice in the mail that one of our cars needed the tags renewed. M was surprised – he thought that car’s registration wasn’t due until later in the year. He went outside and looked at the tag and then came back in and said, “That’s what I thought. The 8th month. It’s not due until October.”
It took a minute for what he said to register with me, but then I said “October’s not the 8th month.” Now, he should know this – his birthday is in October.
We went back and forth about whether or not October was the 8th month until he finally looked at the calendar on the wall and he started counting the months. But he was counting from the current month, so that put the 8th month at January. I had to walk over, start counting at January and show him that August was the 8th month, so the fact that we got the registration in the mail was fine.
We had a great time at the ball game Friday night and got to spend time with our across-the-street neighbors there. The fireworks after the game were fabulous and it was a fun evening.
But . . .
On the way home, he couldn’t stop telling me how to drive. Even though we’ve discussed HOW VERY MUCH it annoys me. When we got home and had another lovely discussion about it, this time, he brought out the martyr card – “I’m only trying to help you.”
If he REALLY wants to help me, he’ll be quiet – and let me drive in peace. More tomorrow about Saturday and Sunday.
I have started to think that the universe doesn’t want me to take a walk . . . at least that’s what I’m telling myself. For the past two nights, it’s either been raining when I got home or a storm has been on the way, with thunder rumbling. So my grand plans for getting out and walking haven’t come through.
Oh well – we’ve still had a couple of good days anyway.
Last night, I was putting together my online list for the Wal-Mart shopping app so I could pick up our groceries Saturday morning. I still love, love, love this service! M was getting his lunch together for Friday.
M: I only have one more protein pack left. Me: It’s on the list – I’m picking up more of them Saturday morning. M: I just used the last of the applesauce. Me: It’s on the list – I’m picking up more of them Saturday morning. M: I’m out of cashews. Me: It’s on the list – I’m picking up more of them Saturday morning.
I felt like a broken record. (Now THERE’S a dated reference!!) We get the same items for his lunches every week, and yet he was in panic mode because we were running out of them. SMH.
This should be a good (and busy!) weekend. The local single-A baseball team is playing tonight, so I see peanuts and cotton candy in my future. Then, tomorrow night, there’s an old theater downtown that is showing the first three Star Wars movies (numbers 4, 5 & 6) at 4 pm, 7 and 10 pm) and M agreed we should go see them again on the big screen. I can’t believe he agreed to it – but I think it will be a ton of fun! Popcorn for supper!
As it’s the first day of summer – and the days will now start to get shorter – I hope everyone gets the opportunity to get outside and enjoy some sunshine and blue skies. What is that phrase we heard all last year? Winter is coming. Ha!
Thank you to everyone who reached out with love and words of encouragement! Yesterday was a MUCH better day, all the way around, and M and I had a much better evening. It could have been because I had a wonderful, relaxing dinner with a friend last night, so our time together was limited – therefore our time to make each other crazy was also limited.
But, whatever the reason, we had a good evening and a good morning to start off today.
Several things I’ve been reading or listening to lately have talked about the importance of exercise every day – if for no other reason than to get endorphins flowing in your body. Exercise is something I avoid like the plague, but I probably need to change my thoughts about that. Even if it’s going for a walk – I need to get moving and stop sitting around every night. It’s not doing either one of us any good.
Maybe I need an attitude adjustment – it wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure!
I don’t know what it was about yesterday, but M was on my nerves SO BAD – it was all I could do not to smack him, very hard.
I had a fine day at work – even got some things accomplished. People responded to emails I sent and complimented me on the work I did, so I don’t think work was the problem. Didn’t have any problems driving home, either. Got the pizza ordered and everyone there for dinner. Of course, my mother forgot about it and I had to call her and ask if she was planning to join us. But that’s not a big deal. And not that unusual for her.
But M was on fire. A conversation would be going on about something – anything – and he would break in with “I did a load of laundry today. It’s probably still in the washing machine.”
Okay. Thanks for sharing.
We were outside, saying good-bye to my mother and he says “we need to decide what we’re going to do about those plants over there.” and points to a natural area we have in our front yard.
Well, right this minute, no – we DON’T need to decide that. At 7 pm on Monday night, we’re not going to do anything about that natural area. Maybe we could talk about it AFTER my mother leaves?!?!
I know he can’t help it. I know it’s not his fault.
I know. I need to find patience from a well that I don’t possess.
This is when I want to sit down and cry. This is when this situation feels SO MUCH bigger than I am.
And this is just the beginning. Things aren’t really all that bad. Yet. He still has his wits about him, for the most part. He’s just being annoying and he gets on my nerves.
What am I going to do when it’s more than that?
I know, in my heart, it’s one day at a time and I need to stop thinking days, weeks and months ahead. But that’s not the way I work. I’m a worst-case scenario girl. Show me a rainbow, and I’ll find the dark cloud behind it.
And there’s a very dark cloud looming on my horizon.
I’m trying my best to keep today’s picture message in mind.
I went back and forth about it on Friday. One minute, I was in the car, ready to go to the animal shelter. And then the next, I was back in the house, having talked myself out of it.
I made a list of the pros and cons of getting another dog. M and I talked about it and he suggested just going *to look* at the dogs in the shelter. But I knew if we went to look, there was NO WAY we would come home without one.
It finally came down to – things are just too uncertain right now. With his health, my job, his job . . . really everything. Until things settle down, I don’t need one more thing to take care of.
Even though I would love it.
Friday night, we got a new set of shelves to try to organize M’s clothes and they needed to be put together. M has always been the builder, the one who read the directions and told me how to hold things and where to fit tab A into slot B. This time, he couldn’t do it. He read the directions, but couldn’t make sense out of them. So it fell to me to do it. I don’t know how we did it, but SOMEHOW, we got the shelves put together and didn’t kill each other in the process.
Then Saturday, he had to work, so I spent the day organizing his clothes. I really had a good time doing that and was so happy with the way everything turned out. Then, when he got home, we planted some perennials (flowers that will come back every year) in a flower bed that I had originally planted 20 packs of zinnia seeds in and only 3 plants sprouted up. Very annoying. So I moved the 3 plants and put in plants I won’t have to think about again.
Yesterday, I spent the day relaxing and binge-watching the first season of Outlander on Netflix. Yes, I’ve seen it before – more than once. But it’s SO GOOD!!
M has the day off today, so he wanted to get some new pillows for his bed. I asked him to pick up a couple of things while he was at the store. When he was writing down the extra things I needed him to get (dog food, bread) I had to spell the words in order for him to write them on his list.
There are days I think things are – if not getting better, then at least staying the same – and then there are days I think things are rapidly declining.
I saw from the local news that the Guilford County animal shelter is almost at capacity and is offering free animal adoptions today. M pointed out that we don’t NEED another dog. (Why is that part of his brain still sharp as a tack?) I told him that the dogs at the shelter NEED us. No decision has been made yet – I’m still waffling.
Yesterday, I got one of the weekly emails from Danielle LaPorte . . . you may have already seen this. But it spoke to me and if you haven’t seen it, I wanted to share it with you.
She was going through a tough time and reached out to her closest friends to ask them to pray for her. Here’s what she said:
“With IMMEDIATE enthusiasm, every friend texted back to say, Done! Doing it! Holding you in the Light! I love you! You got this!
And one friend sent me a photo of the candle she lit and the sacred object she placed on her altar for me. And she said something that made me stop and inhale the heat of my tears:
It’s an honor to help you.
Stopped me.
It’s an honor to help you.
Melted me.
It’s an honor to help you.
Had never occurred to me.
This declaration made poetry out of what I knew to be true: that most people want to help out, but more than that, they cherish the opportunity.
We all have a deep need to be helpful, it’s how the Soul gets its exercise.
So please remember this when YOU need help. When you need back-up on your divine petitions, give someone the honor of lending you their faith.”
Every single one of you honors me, by reading about my struggles every day, by offering your love, support and advice and by holding M and me in your prayers. Those prayers mean more to me than anything in the world. I can’t thank you enough for being there for me and reminding me I’m not alone.
I hope you will honor me with the opportunity to help you in the future.
Still no word on the job front for M, but no bad news either – so we’ll take the status quo and keep plugging along. I know he’s not happy with what he’s doing, but it’s a job and a paycheck. There’s a lot to be said for that.
Last night, I was continuing to work on a quilt that I inherited from my grandmother when she died in 2006. She didn’t sew, so it must have come from her mother or grandmother. I’ll never know. Over the years, several pieces of material that make up the quilt have just worn out and need to be replaced. It was hand sewn and hand quilted, so I’ve been taking out the stitching to start replacing the pieces that have disintegrated.
As I was doing this, and we were watching TV, M looked at me and asked me what I was doing. I explained all this to him weeks ago when I first started taking the stitching out. He’s watched me do it, off and on, for weeks now. But last night, I had to explain it again.
Okay.
I guess I’d better get used to that.
To add insult to injury, as I got finished taking out all the stitching that made up the “quilting” part of the quilt, I realized that A LOT more pieces of this quilt (say quilt one more time) are going to have to be replaced than I originally thought. They’re all 1″ x 1″ squares and the vast majority of them are very thin and I can tell they will wear out soon just with normal wear and tear. I love using this quilt, so I guess if I want to use it, I’m practically making a new quilt, whether I wanted to or not. Since I’ve used up all my vacation days, “how did you spend your summer” has now taken on a new meaning.
Yesterday was our younger son’s birthday. Not sure how we’re old enough to have a 27 year old son (!) but there he is. So I was talking to him (he’s in CA) as I was walking in the house from work last night, thinking M would walk into the kitchen, as he always does, and join the conversation.
M was nowhere to be seen.
I continued talking with our son on speakerphone and walked around the house. M wasn’t upstairs in the bathroom. He wasn’t in the backyard cutting the grass. Finally, I found him downstairs, watching TV.
I didn’t smack him in the back of the head and grab him by the ear to come upstairs (where the cell reception is better) to talk to his son, but it was a near thing.
After we got off the phone, I asked him why he didn’t come upstairs when I had come in the door, like he does EVERY SINGLE EVENING, FIVE DAYS A WEEK?
His answer – “I didn’t know.”
Didn’t know what? Who was walking in the door? Who I was talking to? What was going on?
I guess any one (or all) of those questions could be the one.
I just shook my head.
Then, before we went to bed last night, I remembered to go to the freezer and get out some meat to thaw for a Keto-friendly dinner tonight. As I walked out of the pantry, with the zip-lock bag of steak in my hand, M asked if it was for the dogs.
No – I haven’t started buying steak for the dogs yet – but I guess we could start.
I smiled and said no, it’s for us.
I also asked him about the position he’s looking for at work – if he had gone to HR and spoken to his friend, as I suggested. No, he went back to the new manager and asked him about it . . . again. After the new manager had told him to stop asking.
Sigh.
I (almost) wish I could clone myself and be there at work with him to guide him and keep things like that from happening. But there’s nothing I can do. When his time there is over, it’s over.
