Author: Linda Schumacher

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The Goddess of Grief

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 12, 2019)

Today, I’d like to share a message I received from Danielle LaPorte. If you don’t follow her, on her various social media platforms, I encourage you to do so. She writes amazingly insightful commentary on all sorts of topics. But this one is about grief. And when I read it, it made me realize that I am and I have been grieving . . . not only for what M is going through and how it is affecting me, but for the life that I (we) had all planned out for us in my mind. And that life is not going to be.

I hope you’ll find this as meaningful and helpful as I do.

the goddess of grief: getting to the other side. (and there is always another side.)

Grief is one of the most powerful Goddesses. She swallows your agony and lets it tear her apart. Beautiful birds fly from her belly—each one an insight into life and your power. Grief brings the whole flock to your window, and she waits and waits to reveal universal truths to you. She goes to the depths with you. She rises with you.

Grief won’t rest until you swallow the medicine she made especially for you, and tell her your story of death… and life.

HOW TO ABSORB THE MEDICINE OF GRIEF

1. Grief messes with your focus. When she’s tap-tap-tapping on the door of your consciousness, it becomes difficult to concentrate. You’re not sure what the priorities are, not sure where to put your attention, and when you do put it somewhere, it slips off easily. Time does not feel fresh, it feels a bit stale. Launching new things feels awkward, subtly inappropriate.

2. Give your self space to meander, aimlessly. Aim less. Under achieve. Be confused. As Nietzsche said, “You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars.” You are giving birth to a new reality. It takes tremendous resources. Healing hurts before it feels right.

3. Grief is patient. Grief may operate on a time-release capsule system. She’ll let you be busy and distracted for a long period of time before she descends. She respects survival mechanisms and the necessities. So go ahead and throw yourself into work or hobbies. Just know that…

4. Denying grief her power squelches your vitality. You can dream and laugh and march on, but until you swallow the bitter tea that Grief has brewed, things won’t be as vibrant or grounded as they could be. And that’s half dead.

5. Recognize where you are numb. Notice the memories that ouch the most. This is the beginning of response-ability.

6. Grief crystallizes in your body. The medicine will get stuck in your muscle memory and joints. It needs to circulate and be digested. You have to dance grief to the surface. Stomp. Rock. Stretch. Move without your intellect getting in the way. Keep moving.

7. Grief thinks scars make for great tattoos. Accept that you’ll never be the same. Trauma marks you. Embrace how much more dimensional you’ve become.

8. Someone just reminded me, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” (Maya Angelou). Grief needs to hear your story told. Speak it out to a sacred listener. Be witnessed. And then…

9. Tell a new story—one that includes the description of how you healed.

All love,

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Travel!

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 11, 2019)

We’re getting ready for a trip – we’ll be taking a cruise to Alaska soon. It’s one of those things we have always wanted to do and had planned to do once we retired. When we received M’s diagnosis, we decided things like this shouldn’t/couldn’t wait – so here we go.

Last night, we sat down to look at the excursions that are part of the trip to decide what we wanted to do. Wow. There were so many to choose from and getting M to make a decision was like pulling teeth. He would suggest something like a brewery tour and tasting, which would be fine. But I can’t drink alcohol because it will give me a raging migraine headache and he stopped drinking beer years ago because he saw it was becoming a problem for him. So, a brewery tour and tasting would be a waste of time and money for us.

Then there was the matter of his glasses. Of course, the prescription glasses that he SHOULD be wearing all the time are in his car – he wears them only if he’s driving at night. Scattered around the house are “readers” but for some reason, he couldn’t seem to put his hands on a pair of them last night. I think I’m going to order a 10-pack of them from Amazon and have a pair in every room, just like I do with my chapstick tubes.

On a happy note, we did choose an excursion that will allow us to spend some time with husky puppies. Now, THAT is going to be a ton of fun!!

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I Do Appreciate . . .

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 10, 2019)

Yesterday was a strange one. Cloudy all day and it looked as though it was going to rain, but never did. M said he stayed in bed until noon, but he had vacuumed the entire house before I got home, which was a nice surprise. He was feeling fine and had eaten dinner by the time I got home, so we took the dogs and went for a walk.

Later, we were watching TV and a commercial came on for “Game of Thrones.” He and I saw the very first episode of that show at my brother & sister-in-law’s house several weeks ago when we visited with them. We’ve talked about it a couple of times since then and agreed that if we watched a few more episodes it might grow on us but, based on that first one, we didn’t really like it. Last night, he said:
“Have you ever watched that show?”
Me: Game of Thrones?
M: Yeah – have you ever seen it?
Me: Yes, you and I watched it together at J and T’s house. We said we didn’t like it.
M: Okay.

And then he went on with whatever he had been doing.

Later there were some forms he needed to sign and date. Very simple – signature and date (4-9-19). There were sticky arrows on each paper that even said “sign and date here” so there was no question about what was needed and where it was needed. For each paper, I had to repeat, not only “sign and date” but “four dash nine dash nineteen.” For every. Single. Paper.

But here’s the good thing – he doesn’t get upset or angry or frustrated. He just laughs and keeps on going. I’m incredibly grateful for that, because I know it could be so different. He could really lose his temper and be unpleasant to deal with during these forgetful times. I have to remember to be thankful that he is accepting all of this so well.

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Intense and Focused

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 9, 2019)

Over the weekend, M wanted to put weed and feed on our lawn and was convinced that our older son, K, had our spreader at his house. So he texted K to see about getting it back. We didn’t know that K was working a double shift on Friday and Saturday, so he wasn’t able to get back to us as quickly as he normally does. M was having a fit – really agitated that he hadn’t heard from K. This is part of his disease at work – he gets focused on something and can’t/won’t let it go.

I suggested that M give K a call, but he didn’t get an answer. After an hour or so, he couldn’t stand it any longer and drove to K’s house. He learned that K was working and that his spreader was NOT there. But he borrowed K’s spreader and came home to put the weed & feed out on the yard.

When I heard what happened, I asked M if he had looked in his storage shed in the back yard for his own spreader. Turns out the answer was “no” and when he did look in the shed – lo and behold, there was the spreader, all along. Fortunately, we were able to return K’s spreader to him when he came for dinner Sunday night.

When I got home from work last night, M said he was getting a headache, but hadn’t taken anything for it. Pollen has been overwhelming in our area and a huge thunderstorm had blown up during the afternoon, so it wasn’t a surprise. He took some Ibuprofen and Sudafed and was better within the hour.

This morning, when it was time to get up, he said he had another headache and couldn’t get up for work. I got him more medicine and a Coke and he went back to sleep, but didn’t call in. When I left for work, he wanted me to call in to his job for him. I was on my way out the door, so I handed him his phone and said he could take care of it. There may be a day – soon – when I’ll have to do these things for him, but that day isn’t here yet.

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Let’s Go Shopping

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 8, 2019)

Busy weekend. Being under the weather for the past week or so, M and I hadn’t gone grocery shopping since we got back from CA and the cupboard was looking pretty bare. My parents, our older son and his family were all coming to dinner Sunday night and we were watching two of our grandchildren Sunday afternoon, so we didn’t have time to get in a serious shopping trip – we only had time for one of us to run to the store and pick up the essentials for dinner.

So we put together a list for dinner and M said he would run to the store. The menu for the evening was grilled hamburgers so we were trying to put together a list of items to go with this dinner. M kept suggesting things like “lunch meat for next week” and “apple sauce for lunch.” I couldn’t seem to get him to understand that this trip to the store was ONLY for dinner and that we were going back to do our week’s worth of shopping after dinner.

On his way out the door, he looked at the list and saw hamburger patties. He asked me where in the store he would find hamburger patties. This is someone who has been to the grocery store as often as I have over our 35 years together.

This morning, as M was walking out the door to go to work, he realized he had forgotten to get his cell phone and his iPod, but he had his big lunch box on his shoulder. As he walked through the kitchen to get the rest of his stuff, M knocked a dish off the counter and it broke. It’s just a dish – it doesn’t matter . . . but it was one of my grandmother’s dishes. There were only three of them, and now there are two. Of course, he feels terrible about it and I know it was an accident. BUT STILL!!!! A friend suggested putting things like that away “for a while.” Wish I had done it sooner.

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Baseball is Back!

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 5, 2019)

 M and I had a really good evening together last night. Baseball is back – so we enjoyed watching the Braves on TV again. We had enjoyable conversations and a good dinner. We put together the list of things he needs to do every evening to make sure he is ready for work the next morning and I went to bed feeling really good about the entire day.

This morning, as he was getting his things together for work, he got his lunchbox out of the pantry. Suddenly on the counter, he had his turkey sandwich sitting there, but I hadn’t seen him get it out of the refrigerator. I started not to say anything, but I had to ask – where did your sandwich come from?

It had been in his lunch box overnight. When he made his sandwich the night before, he put it in his lunchbox and put the lunchbox in the pantry – rather than putting the sandwich in the refrigerator overnight. I wouldn’t have eaten it, but he wasn’t worried about it.

It should be a good weekend. We’ll go to the butcher shop and try to get the Keto diet kick started again. M is ready to get some yard work started, which will be nice . . . and a good change from sitting in front of the TV all weekend. Hope the weather will cooperate!

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Perspective is Everything

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 4, 2019)

Last night was interesting – and funny – because I was feeling better and able to look at everything with a sense of humor. Thank goodness!

Before I got home from work, M evidently decided that the fitted sheet and comforter from the linen closet he had used the previous night weren’t going to work for a second night. They had been taken off the bed and he was in the process of washing the sheets and comforter the dogs had messed up. Fine. I don’t care. So when it was time for bed and I went to the bathroom to wash my face, he was in the process of putting the original (but now clean) fitted sheet on the bed.

When I came out of the bathroom, the fitted sheet was on the bed – but that was all. The original (and now clean) comforter was in the laundry basket. The sheet and comforter that had been used for one night were at the end of my bed. And M was down the hall in the bathroom that he uses, taking a shower. I also noticed that, at some point, his bedside clock had been unplugged and needed to have the time reset.

When M got out of the shower and came back into the bedroom in his underwear, instead of putting on his pajama pants or finishing up his bed, he immediately walked over to his bedside clock and asked me how to reset it. I told him I would help with that – but first, let’s get his pj’s on. Then finish up his bed. And put away the sheets and comforter from the previous night. In other words – let’s finish one thing before we move on to the next.

This morning, when he came into the kitchen and I was cooking his breakfast, he realized he had not made his lunch the night before, as he normally does. He looked around for his lunchbox, but couldn’t find it – it was still in his car from the day before. We have a good checklist for the mornings – to make sure he has everything he needs and has done everything he needs to do before he goes to work. I think it’s time to put together a checklist for the evenings to make sure everything is in its place before we go to bed.

What is that saying? Failure to plan is planning to fail . . . or something like that. We need to get this plan going.

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Sheets and Debit Cards

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 3, 2019)

Yesterday, I had a really interesting opportunity. Every month, there is a prayer luncheon for working women at the local Salvation Army office. It’s always a fun time of fellowship with a good message for the month. Yesterday, I was asked to share what M and I have been going through with his diagnosis.

All of the women in the group were so lovely and so supportive! Those who have dealt with family members with the same dementia diagnosis all said “You’re going to have to be EXTREMELY patient.” I think we’ve talked about me and the fact that I have no patience. That really is my number one struggle.

Last night, M said that he had stopped at the gas station on the way home and the gas credit card hadn’t worked. He couldn’t explain why it hadn’t worked for him, just that he was unable to get gas using it. He did remember that I didn’t want him to use his debit card at the gas pump (yay!) and came home without getting gas. I rode back to the gas station with him, watched him use the gas credit card and it worked just fine. I don’t know what the problem was earlier, unless it was asking for his zip code and he was inputting his debit card four-digit code instead.

Then, when it was time for bed, he said that the dogs had gotten mud on his bed and he was going to change his sheets. I got a new set of sheets out for him and a clean comforter, while he put the dirty sheets and comforter in the wash. When he made the bed, he only put the bottom (fitted) sheet and the comforter on the bed. When I said something about not having put on the top sheet, he said “What difference does it make?”

And it doesn’t matter. It’s not important. If he wants to sleep with just the comforter, it’s fine. But I was tired, I had worked all day, I guess I’m still not feeling 100% and that just ran all over me. I snatched up that top sheet and marched it back down the hall to the linen closet. And the whole way there, I could hear the women from lunch saying “you’re going to have to be extremely patient” and I wanted to have a fit!! Sometimes I think it’s a wonder I haven’t just exploded into a million tiny pieces.

Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that it really doesn’t matter. Sheets and debit cards aren’t the important things. I’m going to get there!!

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Admit it – You Have the Flu

(Originally posted in Facebook on April 2, 2019)

Truly – I thought it was just a cold. I really, really did. I guess it was Saturday afternoon, when I was running a fever and completely miserable, that I finally accepted the fact that I had the flu. Ugh. I’ve spent the last four days moving from bed to sofa and back again. I don’t know when I’ve been more miserable.

It was interesting watching M during all this. At one point, he decided he needed more peach-flavored water he likes to drink, so he was going to drive to the store and get some. Never mind that we needed all sorts of groceries. He was only going to pick up water for himself. I suggested putting a list together – like some soup and tissues for me – and he got most everything on the list.

My mom dropped off a container of chicken soup and M met her at the door to take it from her. Then he brought it downstairs and handed it to me – a big plastic container of chicken soup. No spoon, no bowl, no crackers. Just soup. I didn’t laugh – I thanked him and took it back upstairs to the kitchen.

On the bright side, I’ve lost 3 lbs. over the last six days of having this cold/flu. Of course, my diet has consisted of soup, saltines and cough drops. I don’t recommend it.

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Always Hopeful

(Originally posted in Facebook on March 29, 2019)

M and I had a follow-up appointment with his neurologist yesterday – the first since his attempted lumbar puncture (spinal tap) that was unsuccessful on February 20, 2019. I was happy to see that the doctor didn’t even try to talk him into attempting the procedure again. I think he knew there was NO WAY M was up to that again. It was just too painful and stressful that one time.

He did go ahead and prescribe Aricept as the first step in treatment – such as there is available – for M. We got the prescription last night and started with a 5 mg. dosage. We’ll move up to 10 mg. next month if he tolerates this well.

I also learned of an integrative medical practice about 30 miles from here that advocates Dr. Dale Bredesen’s (“The End of Alzheimer’s”) testing and protocol. This work encourages following the Keto diet, which is what I’ve been TRYING to get M to stick to – without much success. I’m calling today to see if we can get an appointment. All the other practices that I’ve found to help with this protocol have been 2 – 3 hours away and have a 6 month waiting list.

Speaking of getting M to stick to the Keto diet – last night I came home from work and really didn’t feel well . . . I think I’m coming down with a cold. So I put my pajamas on and was in bed before 6:30 pm. I fell asleep right away, so I must have needed the rest! This morning, I opened the cabinet to throw away some trash, and there was an empty ice cream carton. Sigh. I guess I know what M was doing while I was asleep.